Archive

Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

Do You Want To Believe In God? Instantly?

Monday September 22, 2008 Leave a comment

Your prayers have been answered. “Believe In God Instantly” fresh breath spray! Awesome!

god spray

I guess now I know why I’m an Atheist. I’ve never had the luxury of trying “Believe In God Instantly” fresh breath spray. The box says…

Surrender yourself to a higher power and never feel alone again!

Miraculously minty, faith-enhancing breath spray.

Oooh. Faith-enhancing. Impressive. I wonder if it would enhance my Faith as much as positive results from a scientifically rigorous study dealing with the existence of God?

I have to admit, the one Customer Review of the product was pretty good…

It took one little spritz.. My breath was fresher, mintier, and the taste of cigarettes was absolutely gone. I felt like I was kissing the holy mother herself. I got this strange sensation, waving through my whole body like electricity. Colors became brighter, everything was more vivid. Anything that moved left lingering, blurred trails. And then it happened.. I saw god.. He had long hair and a beard, loose fitting clothing and resembled my hippy roommate. He said “hey man! did you see a little spray bottle full of mint? I’ve been looking all over for it and I really need to find it now or we’ll be late for the Phish concert.” I handed it to god, a little hesitantly, who just just smiled and laughed. “Thanks dude, have a nice trip!” He even knew I had a long car ride ahead of me, but of course he did.. What a nice guy!

For $4.99, who wouldn’t want to go out and get their Faith “enhanced” by this awesome spray?

As an Atheist, I can already feel my lack of Faith begin to crumble when I think about spraying myself in the face with that small, yet spiritually potent, bottle.

Big things come in small packages, and a lot of Faith can come from a little bit of fresh breath spray.

Read a book. It’s good for you!

Advertisements
Categories: All, God, Humor, Religion, Stupidity

The Law Of Conservation Of Sugar-Milk

Friday September 19, 2008 3 comments

Introduction

I’ve made a recent discovery that, I think, might earn me a Nobel Prize.

nobel_medal

When one comes to the end of their bowl of cereal, there will inevitably be milk left over. Milk that has absorbed the flavor and sugar of said cereal.

I think we can all agree that Sugar-Milk is amazing. Its taste is intoxicating. There really isn’t a better tasting drink out there… Sugar-Milk. And it was my love of Sugar-Milk that enticed me into this scientific endeavor.

Sugar-Milk Analysis

There are, obviously, a variety of different levels of Sugar-Milk tastes. More specifically, some cereals leave better tasting Sugar-Milk than others. Cap’n Crunch, Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Frosted Flakes, etc.

With that being said, there is a tendency to drink the better tasting Sugar-Milk faster than the Sugar-Milk that does not taste as good. I’ve discovered that there is an inverse relationship between the taste of the Sugar-Milk and the ability of the consumer to drink it quickly.

It took years of consuming various cereals and experimenting with their Sugar-Milk tastes to finally discover this law.

Specifics

Technically speaking, the Law Of Conservation Of Sugar-Milk can be stated thus:

The rate at which one can drink the leftover Sugar-Milk from a bowl of cereal is inversely related in proportion to the taste.

You can see from the chart the inverse relationship between flavor and Gulps Per Second Rate – abbreviated GPS.

Now, taste is measured in Good units: not too good, pretty good, good, very good, and wicked good. All values are shown respectively in the chart with values 1-5. Generic values of 1-5 are given because values are relative, dependent upon the maximum GPS rate of the individual. For example, if the Sugar-Milk only tastes not too good, the person will be able to consume the Sugar-Milk wicked fast. Whereas, wicked fast could range anywhere from .9 and 1.5 GPS.

An Explanation

One would desire to reach peak gulping when drinking the wicked good Sugar-Milk, but the Law Of Conservation Of Sugar-Milk prevents this from occurring.

What happens is, as the degree of taste increases, so do the small particulates in the Sugar-Milk; the small pieces of cereal, chunks of sugar, etc. With the increase of these materials, also increases the probability of choking. And so,  the Law Of The Conservation Of Sugar-Milk (abbreviated from here on out as LCSM) is preserved by the death of anyone who attempts to violate it. To exceed maximum gulp will lead to certain death.

One cannot achieve a maximum GPS rate with maximum tasting Sugar-Milk without choking. It violates the inverse relationship component of the LCSM.

Cereals like Cap’n Crunch and Cinnamon Toast Crunch have pretty good tasting Sugar-Milk. Therefore, one can, taking into respect their personal maximum GPS rate, reach the inverse value of a pretty good gulp rate, or about .9 GPS. (These measurements are completely subjective and depend totally on each individual’s maximum GPS rate.)

The best tasting Sugar-Milk, from Frosted Flakes (nearly 80% sugar and pieces of cereal) give the consumer a very low GPS rate. The amount of particulate in the Sugar-Milk from this cereal clearly prevents one from even approaching maximum GPS. With wicked good tasting Sugar-Milk, one is lucky to approach 0.358 GPS, regardless of their maximum GPS rate.

Conclusion

I feel that this is an important step forward for mankind. With this information, we are that much closer to a Grand Unified Theory. This may even be the key piece of information necessary to put it together.

We can only hope we see it in our lifetime.

Read a book. It’s good for you.

Categories: All, Humor, Science, Stupidity

Modern-Day Christian Technology [My Invention]

Monday March 10, 2008 Leave a comment

So I’ve been pondering an interesting idea lately. It’s tied to an argument that Christians/Creationists always make concerning Atheists.

We’ve all heard it before: “If Atheists don’t believe in God, then they have no source for their morals.” They basically state that Atheists have no reason to “behave” because there’s no God to be afraid of – Atheists live how they want because there’s no fear of consequence. Apparently, Christians believe that Atheists are sadistic criminals and whoremongers because they don’t believe in God or Jesus.

Let’s say, just for curiosity’s sake, we hold Christians to the same logic they hold Atheists to. Let’s suppose that Atheists have no fear of consequence for their actions. Fine… even though this is grossly inaccurate.

How much more should Christians feel free from consequences when God supposedly forgives ALL sins?! All they have to do is pray to Jesus and He lifts all of their burdens of guilt. So what the heck? Why not just kill a couple of doctors? Jesus will say it’s ok. Kill anyone you want. It’s fine. Just ask for forgiveness when you’re finished.

Ok, so enough of my rant about stupid Christian logic. Here’s the invention I propose for all of the Christian churches out there…

Why not create Automatic Forgiveness Devices (AFDs)? Why waste all of that time going to Confession, praying to Jesus to be forgiven, or performing a Penance? These AFDs could take care of all of that hassle and hard work for you.

My version of the AFD would be implemented as an application in your cell phone or PDA. Depending on how bad of a “Sinner” you are, you can set the frequency of Automatic Forgiveness Requests (AFRs) sent to your favorite Holy Spirit or Priest. An Automatic Forgiveness Request (or AFR) is a simple SMS or Text Message which contains, in basic form, a general request for forgiveness because you’re really, really so sorry for whatever sin(s) you’ve just committed in the allotted time. There would even be an option to send them in bulk, in case you’re unsure of which God you believe in. Imagine all of the “CC:I’m Sorry” messages in Jesus’ inbox!

Here’s how it would work. Let’s say, for instance, you sin at least once every 7 minutes or so. You could then set your AFD to send AFRs every 15 minutes. This would mean you could potentially be automatically forgiven for every sin you ever commit again.

At the end of each day, you will receive a “Confirmation Of Forgiveness.” Basically, this is a list of sins and the status of each. If there are any issues with your sins of the day, you may be asked to confirm the sin, and resubmit a Forgiveness Request. But, these cases would be rare.

This saves a lot of time. Many people, especially Christians, have very busy lives and don’t really have time to stop and ask for forgiveness after every single sin. I mean, after bombing a Health Clinic, you haven’t time to ask Jesus to forgive you. You’ve got a lot of running and hiding to do.

This device is perfect for Priests! They could molest an altar boy and immediately hit the road. Dick down a few kids and not have to stop to pray for forgiveness. Their AFD is on the job!

I should probably patent this idea before someone else steals it. But, thou shall not steal… unless you ask for forgiveness afterward.

Read a book.

I Found Jesus In My BitTorrent Client [Azureus]

Monday October 1, 2007 4 comments

Today I’d just happened to look at the stats for a legal download I had going, and I found the Lord. If you look very closely, you can see the Lord, Jesus Christ right there in my BitTorrent client, Azureus. I’m sure some will perceive this as the Virgin Mary, but I disagree. It is certainly the Lord of Hosts.

See, even Jesus supports P2P (Peer To Peer) technologies. If only the RIAA and the MPAA would do what Jesus would do, and lay off.

azjesus.jpg

P.S. This phenomena is actually referred to a Pareidolia. Jesus doesn’t actually show up anywhere in places like this. It’s all in people’s heads.

I’ve Found My Truth (The Flying Spaghetti Monster)

Saturday April 28, 2007 Leave a comment

We all struggle to find our own truth. What we consider to be “the Truth” as far as faith is concerned. So many unanswered questions in life. Questions that no one can answer absolutely. Where did we come from? Where did the Universe come from? What is the meaning of life?

Well, I’ve found my answer. I’ve found my Truth. My Truth lies in my Faith in the Flying Spaghetti Monster. You can visit the homepage of my new Church here. Everything you need to know is there.

Who is the Flying Spaghetti Monster? He’s the Creator. He’s invisible. He has a Noodly Appendage with which he performs all of his Miracles. He is my God.

Now, if you’ve been to the site and read what it’s all about, you may think it’s absurd. But, let me put this challenge to you. Can you disprove it? Can you prove that Global Warming is NOT related to the amount of pirates in the world? No more than you can prove that “Jesus is Lord.” In fact, Pastafarianism is far more believable than Christianity. We have a graph with statistical evidence. Visit the site for more info.

But there is a deeper issue at hand here. In the educational system, religious fanatics insist that, along with Evolution (a scientific theory), Creationism (Intelligent Design [ID]) should be taught in school. Intelligent Design cannot be proven. And since these religious people insist their beliefs must be taught in the school system, we (the Flying Spaghetti Monsterists) feel that our beliefs should also be given equal time in the education system. There are 10 million of us and growing.

I’m going to leave it up to you to visit the site and see the Truth. But I will end with a prayer:

Our pasta, who art in colander,
Draining be Your noodles.
Thy Noodle come, Thy sauce be yum,
On top of some grated Parmesan.
Give us, this day, our garlic bread,
And forgive us our trespasses
As we forgive those who trample our lawns.
And lead us not into vegetarianism,
But deliver us some pizza.
For thine is the meatball, the noodle and the sauce,
Forever and ever.
RAmen.

May you forever be touched by His Noodly Appendage.

What Kind Of Crap Is This?

Monday January 22, 2007 Leave a comment

So, you know those ads about missing children you get in the mail? The ones that come with coupons on the back for, like, free oil changes and great deals on pizza? Yeah, my family got one of those a few weeks ago [pictured above], up in Hudson Falls, New York. They brought it down when they came to visit. Apparently there was something on this one that I needed to see.

Look closely at the guy on the right. What’s that name? David Garrett?

You’ve gotta be kidding me. Now everyone thinks I’m a wanted man. Last seen with: David Garrett.

The funny part is, the people who live next to my parents (people who never talk to them) asked how I was doing the day after that thing hit everyone’s mailboxes. Like what is that supposed to mean? Did I get arrested yet? Everyone in town got that same ad in their mailbox.

I haven’t lived there in like 3 years. So now everyone probably thinks I’m some kind of kidnapper or something. Not like I can defend myself. Ridiculous.

I should be allowed to put my picture on there. “Not ever seen with: This David Garrett. Reputation/pride/good name preserved. This David Garrett is definitely not a kidnapper. Please, thank you, you’re welcome, excuse me, and certainly.”

So yeah, if you see me, don’t call the cops on me. I didn’t kidnap anyone.

Why did this guy have to have my name? I feel like that guy on Office Space… Michael Bolton. “Why should I change my name? He’s the one who sucks.”

Read a book.

P.S.

I’ve decided to modify my New Year’s Resolution. Instead of reading 2 (two) books per month, I’m going to read 1 (one) book per month – twice. Or, maybe several, depending on what time permits. I figure that instead of quantity of consumption, I will focus on quality of understanding. I mean, you can’t really read a book once and gain the full understanding you could otherwise obtain.

So yeah, read a book… over and over.

I Don’t Feel Nerdy

Friday January 5, 2007 1 comment

Interesting title to a post, right? I thought so.

What is “nerdy?” What characteristics does a nerd possess? I’ll name a few that I possess.

First nerdy thing about me: I like Star Trek. Yes, I said it. I love Star Trek TNG (The Next Generation). I don’t like the original version, though. The one with Captain Kirk. I’m not really sure why I don’t like it. I just don’t.

Second nerdy thing about me: I love to read. Especially non-fiction. Even more especially, books about science, mathematics and physics, as well as philosophy and politics.

Third nerdy thing about me: I’m obsessive about numbers. Statistics. I think I’ve mentioned somewhere in a previous post in this blog that I have a statistical database with numbers involving how quickly I run freight at work… that dates back to February of 2006. And that’s only scratching the surface of my number addiction.

Fourth nerdy thing about me: I like video games. Right now, my favorite game is Fight Night Round 3 for the XBox 360.

This is hardly a complete list, but now I think I can explain the title of this post a little better after including it. I don’t feel nerdy. Does that make sense?

If I were to remove myself from this picture and only look at those 4 traits, I would think that person was a complete nerd. But, I don’t feel like a nerd. I just feel like those are things that make up who I am, and I’m still awesome. Not a nerd.

I listen to awesome music. Tool is definitely not nerdy music. I like rap. Classical. Pretty much anything.

I’m not sure what got me thinking about this, but I found it interesting that most things that I enjoy, if I were to see someone else enjoying them, I would file that person in the nerd category. Am I in nerdy denial? Can you do nerdy things without actually being a nerd?

Well, that’s all I’ve got. Let me know what you think.

Also, read a book for once in your life.

Categories: All, Humor, Life