Home > All, Humor, Science, Stupidity > The Law Of Conservation Of Sugar-Milk

The Law Of Conservation Of Sugar-Milk


I’ve made a recent discovery that, I think, might earn me a Nobel Prize.


When one comes to the end of their bowl of cereal, there will inevitably be milk left over. Milk that has absorbed the flavor and sugar of said cereal.

I think we can all agree that Sugar-Milk is amazing. Its taste is intoxicating. There really isn’t a better tasting drink out there… Sugar-Milk. And it was my love of Sugar-Milk that enticed me into this scientific endeavor.

Sugar-Milk Analysis

There are, obviously, a variety of different levels of Sugar-Milk tastes. More specifically, some cereals leave better tasting Sugar-Milk than others. Cap’n Crunch, Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Frosted Flakes, etc.

With that being said, there is a tendency to drink the better tasting Sugar-Milk faster than the Sugar-Milk that does not taste as good. I’ve discovered that there is an inverse relationship between the taste of the Sugar-Milk and the ability of the consumer to drink it quickly.

It took years of consuming various cereals and experimenting with their Sugar-Milk tastes to finally discover this law.


Technically speaking, the Law Of Conservation Of Sugar-Milk can be stated thus:

The rate at which one can drink the leftover Sugar-Milk from a bowl of cereal is inversely related in proportion to the taste.

You can see from the chart the inverse relationship between flavor and Gulps Per Second Rate – abbreviated GPS.

Now, taste is measured in Good units: not too good, pretty good, good, very good, and wicked good. All values are shown respectively in the chart with values 1-5. Generic values of 1-5 are given because values are relative, dependent upon the maximum GPS rate of the individual. For example, if the Sugar-Milk only tastes not too good, the person will be able to consume the Sugar-Milk wicked fast. Whereas, wicked fast could range anywhere from .9 and 1.5 GPS.

An Explanation

One would desire to reach peak gulping when drinking the wicked good Sugar-Milk, but the Law Of Conservation Of Sugar-Milk prevents this from occurring.

What happens is, as the degree of taste increases, so do the small particulates in the Sugar-Milk; the small pieces of cereal, chunks of sugar, etc. With the increase of these materials, also increases the probability of choking. And so,  the Law Of The Conservation Of Sugar-Milk (abbreviated from here on out as LCSM) is preserved by the death of anyone who attempts to violate it. To exceed maximum gulp will lead to certain death.

One cannot achieve a maximum GPS rate with maximum tasting Sugar-Milk without choking. It violates the inverse relationship component of the LCSM.

Cereals like Cap’n Crunch and Cinnamon Toast Crunch have pretty good tasting Sugar-Milk. Therefore, one can, taking into respect their personal maximum GPS rate, reach the inverse value of a pretty good gulp rate, or about .9 GPS. (These measurements are completely subjective and depend totally on each individual’s maximum GPS rate.)

The best tasting Sugar-Milk, from Frosted Flakes (nearly 80% sugar and pieces of cereal) give the consumer a very low GPS rate. The amount of particulate in the Sugar-Milk from this cereal clearly prevents one from even approaching maximum GPS. With wicked good tasting Sugar-Milk, one is lucky to approach 0.358 GPS, regardless of their maximum GPS rate.


I feel that this is an important step forward for mankind. With this information, we are that much closer to a Grand Unified Theory. This may even be the key piece of information necessary to put it together.

We can only hope we see it in our lifetime.

Read a book. It’s good for you.

Categories: All, Humor, Science, Stupidity
  1. Saturday September 20, 2008 at 11:05 PM

    This is important research. But instead of submitting it as a paper, I suggest you publish it in cereal form.

  2. Sunday September 21, 2008 at 8:25 AM

    I was pondering the possibility of submitting it in some type of culinary form. Maybe even in a bathtub full of alphabet soup?

  3. Kylin
    Saturday April 24, 2010 at 11:23 AM

    Ridiculous. People will do anything for a quick buck these days. And anyone will beleive those people too!

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