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Modern-Day Christian Technology [My Invention]

So I’ve been pondering an interesting idea lately. It’s tied to an argument that Christians/Creationists always make concerning Atheists.

We’ve all heard it before: “If Atheists don’t believe in God, then they have no source for their morals.” They basically state that Atheists have no reason to “behave” because there’s no God to be afraid of – Atheists live how they want because there’s no fear of consequence. Apparently, Christians believe that Atheists are sadistic criminals and whoremongers because they don’t believe in God or Jesus.

Let’s say, just for curiosity’s sake, we hold Christians to the same logic they hold Atheists to. Let’s suppose that Atheists have no fear of consequence for their actions. Fine… even though this is grossly inaccurate.

How much more should Christians feel free from consequences when God supposedly forgives ALL sins?! All they have to do is pray to Jesus and He lifts all of their burdens of guilt. So what the heck? Why not just kill a couple of doctors? Jesus will say it’s ok. Kill anyone you want. It’s fine. Just ask for forgiveness when you’re finished.

Ok, so enough of my rant about stupid Christian logic. Here’s the invention I propose for all of the Christian churches out there…

Why not create Automatic Forgiveness Devices (AFDs)? Why waste all of that time going to Confession, praying to Jesus to be forgiven, or performing a Penance? These AFDs could take care of all of that hassle and hard work for you.

My version of the AFD would be implemented as an application in your cell phone or PDA. Depending on how bad of a “Sinner” you are, you can set the frequency of Automatic Forgiveness Requests (AFRs) sent to your favorite Holy Spirit or Priest. An Automatic Forgiveness Request (or AFR) is a simple SMS or Text Message which contains, in basic form, a general request for forgiveness because you’re really, really so sorry for whatever sin(s) you’ve just committed in the allotted time. There would even be an option to send them in bulk, in case you’re unsure of which God you believe in. Imagine all of the “CC:I’m Sorry” messages in Jesus’ inbox!

Here’s how it would work. Let’s say, for instance, you sin at least once every 7 minutes or so. You could then set your AFD to send AFRs every 15 minutes. This would mean you could potentially be automatically forgiven for every sin you ever commit again.

At the end of each day, you will receive a “Confirmation Of Forgiveness.” Basically, this is a list of sins and the status of each. If there are any issues with your sins of the day, you may be asked to confirm the sin, and resubmit a Forgiveness Request. But, these cases would be rare.

This saves a lot of time. Many people, especially Christians, have very busy lives and don’t really have time to stop and ask for forgiveness after every single sin. I mean, after bombing a Health Clinic, you haven’t time to ask Jesus to forgive you. You’ve got a lot of running and hiding to do.

This device is perfect for Priests! They could molest an altar boy and immediately hit the road. Dick down a few kids and not have to stop to pray for forgiveness. Their AFD is on the job!

I should probably patent this idea before someone else steals it. But, thou shall not steal… unless you ask for forgiveness afterward.

Read a book.

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