My Business Plan
In keeping with the Walmart theme, I just had a great idea for a business to start up. I think it’s perfect. It’s right in line with how Walmart cheapens everything, destroys its value, and brings everything involved in the human experience to a base level – accessible even to the bottom-feeders.
Picture this, if you will. With my business plan, not only will you be able to consume huge piles of various-shaped plastic and panel-board. You’ll also be able to acquire mediocre health care! Not only will it be mediocre, but it will put local doctor’s offices out of business – in keeping with the Walmart philosophy.
Now, I know this seems pretty far out there. But, then again, a gallon of pickles for $5 seemed impossible… but Walmart made it happen. Imagine instead of huge medical bills that require insurance to relieve the burden, you could get Quadruple Bypass Surgery for $19.95 right at your local Walmart! You just wheel your relative/friend/loved one right in one of the bays in the Car Care garage.
Imagine it! You walk by, seeing your average faceless Walmart employee in a blood-soaked “How May I Help You?” uniform, arms flailing, scalpel in hand hunched over a seemingly lifeless body. Hacking away, blood and flesh spraying everywhere as this Waterhead Downsy indulges in his violent, primal fantasies under the guise of “surgery.” As the family stands by, half frightened, half proud of saving a lot of money on Grandpa’s heart transplant, they watch, wiping away the intermittent splash of blood from their faces. They can’t get over how low of a price they are paying for this. $49.95!? The trip to the hospital in the ambulance would have cost more than that. Thank God for Walmart!
Ladies and Gentlemen, this is how I will make my millions. All I have to do is 50,126 surgeries at $19.95 a piece and the first million will be in the bank.
I know what you’re thinking. What about malpractice? Walmart has an excellent return policy. 30 days, anything goes wrong, just bring it back for an exchange or your money back, no questions asked. All I have to do is keep in line with that policy and I can’t get sued.
Who knows? Maybe I’ll even incorporate Dentistry into my practice.
So it is written, so it shall be.
Read a book.