From Denial to Despair in 3 Seconds
Have you ever just had one of those nights? You know the kind. Or maybe you don’t. I tell ya, I feel like I’ve got PMS or something tonight.
Work was ok. I come home, hang out for a little bit, and then around 7:00pm or so, I decide to take a nap. Oh yeah, Joe called and wanted to go play pool. So I finally roll out of my nap around 9:00pm. I look at my phone and it says that Joanna called like maybe 2 minutes ago. So I call, thinking she’ll be awake. The phone rings and rings, but no answer. She’s sleeping. You’d think this would be no big deal. Of course not for me. For me, it’s like the end of the world. I think I went through all 5 stages of depression in about 3 seconds… straight from denial to dispair. I actually almost cried a couple times.
What the hell is my problem? Then Joe shows up to go play pool and I give him an attitude because of it. Man, I don’t know what I was thinking. I really wanted to go play pool too. But I just said, “I’m tired.” I don’t know. I guess I wasn’t in the mood right then, all depressed or whatever. Of course now I’m fine.
Have you ever felt like you just aren’t good enough? I know I’m probably just thinking too much, but someone I’m training with at work has an interview for a position after she finishes. The starting pay is $19.25 an hour. Why haven’t I heard anything about offers for anything? I was thinking to myself that I want to try harder, study the manual and maybe after this week’s review, they’ll see a drastic improvement in my weak areas. Of course I was told that I have the potential to be an outstanding editor, and maybe that’s true. But the results so far, especially after this, don’t tell me that’s what they really think. At the same time, I’ve realized that a lot of the things I’m getting wrong are things that I’m just plain thinking too hard about – making it too complicated. I think I’ll do a lot better this week.
I don’t know. I just feel sad tonight. I’m not even really sure why. I know missing her call bothered me, but I really don’t think I’d get this bent out of shape over just that. I really have no idea. Maybe it’s because I’ve been sick? I don’t know. I just wish it would go away. I haven’t felt like this in a long time. It’s like I want to cry, but I don’t know why. So I’d feel stupid for doing it. I’ve done that before. I remember being young and for absolutely no reason I’d just get really sad and start crying. I’d have to go in my room because if someone asked me what was wrong I wouldn’t be able to tell them – because I didn’t know.
Maybe I don’t express myself enough. Maybe I’m too quiet. Maybe I don’t spend enough time telling Joanna how I feel about her. I suppose there are a lot of things that I should do differently. How I live, my attitude about things, and a lot of other things I can’t think of right now.
I think, in general, I’m happy with my life. But I let little things get to me. I have a lot of things to be happy for, but I let one or two things that I don’t like distract me from that.
I guess one thing that frustrates me is that I write this stuff and no one ends up reading it. Yeah, it’s personal stuff, but I really don’t care. I don’t really have anything to hide. And usually when people are open about what’s going on in their life, people want to know about it. But no one ever comments on here. I don’t know. Whatever.
I guess it’s time for bed anyway. Goodnight.