Mental Illness & Intelligence
So here I am – tired but not wanting to sleep. There are actually several things I do not want to do/experience. Allow me to list them right now: go to sleep, look for a job at Cumberland Farms or some crap like that, have to work instead of going to college this semester, not having a car, not having money, things I don’t want to do, not being comfortable, doing things I don’t want to do. Yeah, that pretty much sums it up.
Yeah, I think that, like Peter Gibbons in Office Space, my dream in life (if I had a million dollars) would be to do absolutely nothing. How wonderful it would feel to sit around doing absolutely nothing guilt-free. To be able to relax and not have to worry about going to a job I hate that does not inspire me spiritually, mentally, or psychically whatsoever. If instead I could sleep until noon, pick up a book, stimulate my mind and enhance my life in some significant way.
I’ve just made my decision to get a job so I can get a car for school next semester, and because I haven’t gotten a job yet (even though it’s only been like 2 days) I still have this resounding feeling of guilt within me. I feel so lazy. But I suppose the word “lazy” is a subterfuge – a way for people to make you feel guilty for not doing what they think you should be doing. People are only “lazy” because there’s something keeping them from doing what they should be doing – some issue in their life keeping them from doing what they know is right.
Is there anyone out there who is puzzled by their own behavior? I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about what my issue is. My “laziness” puzzles me. See my December 20th entry for a perfect example. When something comes up that I have to do, the sense of obligation arises and then transfers itself to some random activity. The strangest part of it is the sense of urgency I feel while performing the random activity. The task that originally posed itself to me is continually in the back of my mind, yet it almost seems like if I finish the activity I’m doing at the time that in some way the thing I need to do will go away.
I know, I sound like a nut – but only the most intelligent of people suffer from things like this. I mean people like Abraham Lincoln, Beethoven, Patty Duke, Leo Tolstoy, Jonathan Winters, William Blake, John Keats, Edger Allan Poe, Marilyn Monroe, Isaac Newton, Charles Dickens and many more including Van Gogh had mental illnesses (in some cases, severe). They suffered from such things as depression, dyslexia, multiple personalities, and manic depression. So in a way, I consider myself gifted. There was an article in the Harvard Gazette that says creativity and intelligence is related to mental illness. Now if only this “thing” that I have is considered a mental illness, I’m all set! I can justify it to myself that this “disease” is a blessing, and that I’m “trying too hard” to “not be lazy.” In any case, it’s 3:34am and it’s definitely time for sleep. See?
I know exactly when to do what I need to. I’m trying too hard, definitely! Haha