The Easter Holiday From Hell [Religious Irony Intended]

Yesterday we celebrated the Resurrection of Jesus in the normal way… with candy. Joanna and I, being Atheists, just enjoy spending time around the family. I think we know better than to bring up religion on days like that. You’re just looking for trouble.

Anyway, I didn’t really bring this up to talk about religion (solely). Yesterday ended up being a horrible day. It started out good. We went to Joanna’s aunt’s house. Hung out with the family. Had an Easter brunch. Enjoyed the whole “family merriment” thing.

Joanna, being the photographer, had started taking pictures of everyone. Her sister was sleeping in one of the chairs by the fireplace, and she thought it’d be a good picture to get of her. Now, I didn’t actually see the event happen, but apparently Joanna was standing on the hearth, the little elevated plane in front of the fireplace, and somehow she slipped and fell on her ankle.

At first, it didn’t seem that bad. I didn’t even hear her fall. I just looked over and saw her on the floor saying that she hurt her ankle. But it wasn’t long until we found out just how bad she really did hurt it. I’d never seen swelling that bad before. Literally the size of a baseball.

So her parents took her to the hospital and I stayed back with the girls. And from what the doctor said, she apparently didn’t break her ankle. 3^rd degree ligament damage.

As we speak, she’s at a foot specialist. They’re determining whether or not she’s going to need surgery. I still can’t believe it. She didn’t even fall that far. Not even a foot. I guess it’s just in how you land. This wasn’t the good way.

Now, as if that wasn’t bad enough, there’s more. I took Tessa and Torri back to Joanna’s parent’s house and waited for them to get back from the hospital. Now, you know how kids are, especially when wired on chocolate. Running is definitely part of the repertoire of hyper children.

So yeah, the kids were basically running wild around the house, ignoring my warnings that they needed to stop or someone was going to get hurt. Aside from falling, I failed to mention the whole thing about running with food in your mouth, and how that can lead to choking… and, of course, it did. Tessa runs in from the kitchen, gagging and holding her throat. Jesus friggin’ Christ (a good name to swear with). Had we not enough excitement for one day?

So now I’m giving my child the Heimlich Maneuver while her mother is in the hospital with 3^rd degree ligament damage to her ankle. I’d had more than enough danger and peril for one afternoon.

As a side note, to put a skeptical angle on things, there’s an interesting point I’d like to make about the events of yesterday. If there are any religious or superstitious people reading this, I can already determine, with some accuracy, their thoughts on the events that took place yesterday.

If I’d only not been an Atheist, if I’d only had faith in God, these things would not have happened. This is, somehow, God trying to teach my family a lesson. God is punishing me for not believing in Him. I’d like to point out the nonsense in that argument.

First of all, there are completely logical explanations for the aforementioned events. As far as the situation with Joanna and her ankle, she simply lost her balance and fell on her ankle. Jesus didn’t “knock her down” or anything like that. She was on a slick surface with slick socks on (she doesn’t usually wear socks). Concerning Tessa and her choking incident, well, I think we all know why that happened. Running with food in your mouth is bad. You will choke.

I only bring up this point for the simple fact that I’m sure I’ll get comments related to this line of argument. I’m sure that there is even a testable experiment that could be done to prove the validity of this. We could do a study to find out of Atheists trip or fall down more often than Christians or other religious folk. Something tells me that there would not be a statistically significant difference between the groups. I think Jesus pushes people down in equal numbers, among all religious (non-religious) groups. Chuck Norris, on the other hand, only does roundhouse kicks to bad guys.

As another side note, I’d also like to posit an hypothesis regarding Jesus and the Resurrection. I don’t really think that He came back to life and floated up into the air, into the clouds and up into Heaven. I think what people really saw was someone who looked like Jesus, and this guy happened to be doing the “Soulja Boy” dance. Down through the years, the story changed, and morphed into Jesus flying up into the clouds. I think some guy was just “crankin’ that Roosevelt,” or even more likely, he “cranked that Robocop.”

Yuuuuhhhhh!!!

Read a book.

There Are No Such Things As Ghosts

What is it about the thought of supernatural things that intrigues people so much? I should say alleged supernatural things. Maybe it’s not intrigue. Maybe it’s something else…

People are intellectually lazy! Why do people believe in the supernatural? ESP, psychics, Astrology, ghosts, etc? Because it’s easy to just say that something is caused by supernatural forces, rather than to actually think about things, to do a little research or even perform an experiment… to actually find out what the cause of something is. It’s really not that hard.

I want to talk about ghosts for now. What are ghosts? Or, what do people purport ghosts to be? Basically, what survives of our soul or spirit (whatever you want to call it) after we die. Okay. Let’s take a look at just what this would imply.

In order for something to exist, it has to consist of something. To start with, everything consists of atoms. From there, we know that atoms emit energy. And energy has certain limits, as does matter, or atoms. The first thing we know for certain is that one object cannot pass through another object and retain its original form. There is a certain topic in quantum mechanics called “quantum tunneling” which deals with this very topic. The quantum tunneling principle basically says that it may be possible for the energy from an object, namely on the atomic level – not automobiles or people, may pass through another object.

It follows that if ghosts are real, in that they consist of matter, then they cannot pass through walls. It is physically impossible.

The next topic to deal with are the claims that people make that ghosts throw objects, move chairs, open and close doors, etc. These claims make believers chose one or the other. Either ghosts are physical beings, or they are not. Either they consist of atoms, or they don’t. We know this is true because in order for a ghost to move or throw anything, or to turn a door handle, friction is required. And friction is caused by two surfaces working against each other. Simple physics… not to be confused with psychics.

Because friction is required, then any claim that a ghost caused some object to move locks one into saying that a ghost is a solid object, or that at least it is atomic in structure and is in some phase of matter, i.e. solid, liquid or gas… probably not plasma. And if this is the case, then the ghost could not “become invisible” unless it was bound by specific temperatures. Meaning, whatever material the ghost consisted of has a particular temperature at which it changes states of matter – boils, melts, evaporates, etc. And the way to make the ghost visible is to simply change its form from a gas to a solid… to simply lower the temperature to make its material “solid.” And with everything we know about matter, if you were to bring an actual human being to its boiling point… well, you know what would happen.

To say that the ghost is not a solid or physical object totally goes against everything that we know about science. If one claims that a ghost is not made of matter, or atoms, then it totally throws out the possibility of its existence. Everything we know about energy and matter totally contradicts this theory. In order to interact with reality, it has to consist of something. And if these alleged ghosts do consist of something other than any kind of matter or energy that we know of, then they do not even enter into our reality. They cannot interact with us on any possible level and are outside the realm of science. The most one could say, in this situation, is that they were agnostic in terms of belief in ghosts, because they would be neither visible, nor noticeable in any circumstance. They could neither show themselves to us, nor could they interact with any object in order to “show us a sign.” They would be likened to the pink Unicorn on the dark side of the Moon. No one is there to see it, and it doesn’t effect us in any way, so whether or not there is a pink Unicorn on the dark side of the Moon means nothing to us.

So what do we do? Do we rewrite every book on science, physics and biology to support the wild claims of a few people who have never actually proven any in any scientific way? Or, do we simply disregard these claims as the result of the inner workings of these people’s imaginations, and rely on thousands of years of human observation, and hundreds of years of compounded, unrefuted scientific knowledge? You tell me.

Then we come to these “Ghost Hunter” shows on television. These people are, to start with, not scientists. They say so themselves. They have an agenda. To prove that ghosts do, in fact, exist. Any evidence that points in any other direction is disregarded. And look at the equipment they bring to these sites: Geiger counters, Infrared surface thermometers. Are they looking for nuclear fallout? They wave that stupid Infrared surface thermometer around wildly and say, “Look, the temperature is constantly changing.” Yeah, no kidding. You don’t know how to use that thing. It’s for measuring the temperature of a solid surface, not for waving around the room like a magic wand. Of course you’re going to get odd readings.

The main problem is that they never actually do any real scientific research. The first main component in scientific research is hypothesis testing. Say, for example, you believe there might be ghosts in a certain location. Ok. So what are these ghosts purportedly doing? Moving an object around the room? Making the temperature change? Well, design an experiment that aims to disprove that theory. That’s how the Scientific Method works. You don’t start with a conclusion and look for every bit of evidence that supports that claim, then disregard anything that doesn’t support it. It’s the same thing with “Creation Scientists.” They want to prove that God created everything, so that’s the only evidence they look for. When they see that biology and genetics prove that people evolved from other forms of life, they throw that evidence away because they aren’t interested in the truth. They want to prove that “God did it.”

In this way, the Scientific Method doesn’t work for ghost hunters. These guys go in there with a whole bunch of crap they bought at Radio Shack, stuff that isn’t designed to “detect ghosts.” Then they go through looking for things they can’t explain. Like why they get electromagnetic readings when they’re in a room with an electrical panel. Hmmm… I wonder why? Could it be that there is electricity in the room? Then, in the true scientific spirit, instead of trying to figure out what caused the strange occurrence (say, for example, having the electric company shut off the power to the house, and then performing another reading), they simply assume it was a ghost causing these readings. How intellectually lazy these people are. It’s nonsense.

Then there are people who claim to have had very real experiences which include things such as a ghost attacking them, accompanied by the feeling of paralysis, being unable to breathe, etc. These experiences are very vivid to those who have them.

These experiences are easily explained. Here is a link to a study on the topic, although this study was done on those who claimed to be abducted by UFOs. But the situations are similar enough to note this study. Both are relatively similar experiences.

Basically, what happens is when one falls asleep, there is a part of the brain stem that paralyzes the body once you enter REM sleep. This happens so that you don’t act out your dreams. The frightening thing that can happen is that the sleeping person wakes up, but this part of the brain stem fails to release its paralyzing effect on the body. The person cannot move, possibly has a very difficult time breathing, and also possibly is still experiencing the dream they were having. It’s called a waking dream, and the person experiencing it is totally convinced that what is happening in their mind is happening in reality.

The basic point that I want to make is that instead of immediately jumping to the supernatural conclusion, try doing some experimentation to actually discover what really caused what you claim to be ghost activity. You’ll be surprised at what a little research will reveal.

Do some research and read a book.

What Kind Of Crap Is This?

So, you know those ads about missing children you get in the mail? The ones that come with coupons on the back for, like, free oil changes and great deals on pizza? Yeah, my family got one of those a few weeks ago [pictured above], up in Hudson Falls, New York. They brought it down when they came to visit. Apparently there was something on this one that I needed to see.

Look closely at the guy on the right. What’s that name? David Garrett?

You’ve gotta be kidding me. Now everyone thinks I’m a wanted man. Last seen with: David Garrett.

The funny part is, the people who live next to my parents (people who never talk to them) asked how I was doing the day after that thing hit everyone’s mailboxes. Like what is that supposed to mean? Did I get arrested yet? Everyone in town got that same ad in their mailbox.

I haven’t lived there in like 3 years. So now everyone probably thinks I’m some kind of kidnapper or something. Not like I can defend myself. Ridiculous.

I should be allowed to put my picture on there. “Not ever seen with: This David Garrett. Reputation/pride/good name preserved. This David Garrett is definitely not a kidnapper. Please, thank you, you’re welcome, excuse me, and certainly.”

So yeah, if you see me, don’t call the cops on me. I didn’t kidnap anyone.

Why did this guy have to have my name? I feel like that guy on Office Space… Michael Bolton. “Why should I change my name? He’s the one who sucks.”

Read a book.

P.S.

I’ve decided to modify my New Year’s Resolution. Instead of reading 2 (two) books per month, I’m going to read 1 (one) book per month – twice. Or, maybe several, depending on what time permits. I figure that instead of quantity of consumption, I will focus on quality of understanding. I mean, you can’t really read a book once and gain the full understanding you could otherwise obtain.

So yeah, read a book… over and over.